Marriage and the Unmarried Christian, Part 4 | Marriage and the Unmarried Christian

I would like now to address some questions that may be raised in the minds of those who’ve never been married, but would like to be married. Let’s start with this one, question number one. What should I look for in a spouse? That seems to be when I talk to people who are unmarried, single, want to get married: What do I look for? That’s a good question. Start with what Paul told the widow, released from the bond of marriage because of the death of her husband. What did he say she’s free to be remarried, right? But only in the Lord. If she wishes to do that only in the Lord. So when considering someone for a spouse, look for a Christian and I would say look for a true Christian, like a real Christian.

Lots and lots of false Christians out there. So you gotta be on your guard. And when you find that special someone, when you see that person from a distance and the heavens open, and God says to you, this is the one my son. This is the one. Definitely turn and run because God doesn’t speak to you that way. Didn’t come from the Bible. But when you find that special someone. You see them from a distance and you kind of, admiring and observing and things like that, avoid becoming romantically entangled right away.

Okay, when you’re when your feelings get ahead of your intellect, calling for blindness of sound judgment, that’s exactly what happens with your feelings and your emotions and your hormones and all that just gives you, puts blinding, blinding on your intellect. So if you can watch that person for a while, from a, from a distance, see how he or she conducts himself with others. What matters to him? What kind of conversation she initiates? What kind of conversation she generates? See the kind of people that are attracted to her or repelled by her or him.

If you think you’ve got a ringer after some observation, get some counsel. Peer council can be helpful. Your peers, your friends will tell you things you may not be seeing, they love you too. They, they wanna help you avoid a train wreck. But older, wiser counsel will see from a disinterested vantage point. They don’t have any interest in the outcome except for your good. When they know you they love you. So involve parents for sure if they’re available, but involve mature saints who aren’t related to as well, who are in your local church and close to the situation. Keep them involved along the process. When you’re closer to marriage, certainly involve elders and get some premarital counseling.

But if you’ve got a Christian, and I mean a true Christian, And see if this Christian, as you observe, see if this Christian is on a trajectory toward maturity and godliness, and Christ likeness. Does this Christian, this professing Christian, seem like that’s what he is about, that’s what she’s about. Or are they interested in all kinds of worldly things? See what the trajectory looks like. See if this person seems teachable, seems humble and willing to learn, eager to learn. Does he or she fear the Lord? Is she willing to confront you even if it means letting you go if necessary, so she can please the Lord and truly be loving to you? Do you have that kind of a person in your life? But beyond that, true Christianity, godly trajectory, just look for someone you enjoy someone, you like to be with, someone you can imagine spending a lifetime with that person, even though you can’t see the future. You can see waking up to, next to that person, and being happy about that. You can see spending time with them. Realize though, that when you’re dating you are only scratching the surface. You have really no idea what the future holds.

Question number two, question number two, Paul talked about a man who was not behaving, may not behaving properly toward his fiancé. So how should single men and single women interact? So that they’re appropriate with one another, godly in their dealings with one another? What we can start with 1 Timothy 5:1 and 2. Just jot that down, with Paul tells Timothy there how to treat different people. He says, “Encourage older men as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers and younger women as sisters,” and then all of this, “in all purity.”

Okay, so it’s not just men treat younger women and sisters and younger women don’t have to worry about how they treat other people. Younger women, you also need to treat the men as brothers again in all purity. So treat one another as family members and in all purity. So men can guard your sister’s purity in what you say, how you say I, how you act, how you look at them, how you refuse to look at them. Women guard the purity of your brothers in what you say, how you say it, in what you wear, in what you refuse to wear. Both of you be very careful not to heat things up by getting too intimate too fast.

Don’t, don’t, don’t speed your way, there’s two, basically there are two sides of a coin to, to intimacy. There’s sexual intimacy, which is exclusive to marriage between one man, one woman, for life. There’s also relational intimacy, and relational intimacy and sexual intimacy go hand in hand. One feeding the other, one encouraging the other in marriage. But obviously relational intimacy is something that we have varying levels of relational intimacy among one another. You have relational intimacy in a family, or in a church setting, or even in a workplace.

But sometimes Christians, young single Christians, are unaware how quickly they are speeding their way, saying I’ve got to avoid all sexual impurity and intimacy, but I can go for depth in relational intimacy and they just start spilling everything out. Man, be on your guard against that. When I say man, I mean generally men and women, be on your guard against that. Don’t go too fast. Be very careful to fit the level of communication to the appropriate medium of communication.

So I’m talking especially about phone usage, texting, instant message technology, all that stuff. The tools we have and the tools we use, they have the power to shape us. Watch that your tools are not shaping you and designing you after their designer. Guard against the inappropriate use of technology. The more intimate the conversation, the more unfitting that is for texting, messaging, and any other electronic medium. Face to face provides a restraint in a social setting where you guard your words and you guard what you say well because you’re watching a face and body language and all the rest. You’re going to be on your guard.

The third question, question number three. What if he isn’t a mature leader? Should I go forward? If he’s not a mature leader, should I even should even consider this guy? On the other hand: What if she doesn’t seem interested in submitting to me? I mean, we’re off on the wrong foot right away, aren’t we? What about those questions? We’ll start with you, men, men. If you think she’s not submissive enough to become your wife, just remember she’s not a wife yet.

She’s not your wife, so she’s under no obligation at this point in your relationship to submit to you. That’ll grow the closer you come together. Those, you’ll start to settle into those roles, the more it becomes clear. You’re moving toward a covenant of marriage. But, just she’s not under any obligation to submit to you. She’s not your wife yet. If you have questions about her and you should have questions about her. About her submission about her teachability and all that, watch how she relates to her parents. Watch how she relates to those in authority in the church or in the world of the workplace or whatever. Remember, God designed her by creation to be a help meet so it’s all there. It’s all in her. If she’s a true Christian on that trajectory toward God fearing, Christ likeness, listen, once she accepts that title wife, makes that vow before God and before others, she’s going to learn to pursue obedience to Christ. Don’t you worry about that? You leave that to the Lord, in between her and the Lord.

Woman, same thing for you. Women, same thing for you if you think a man is not a mature enough leader for you to marry. He’s got a lot to learn about leadership. You are right about that. That’s absolutely true. He’s got a lot to learn. Be careful though, you don’t disqualify him too quickly just because he’s not the perfect blend of your father and John MacArthur, okay? Just, there, there isn’t any young man out there like that. This young man, he’s got to grow. He’s got to grow into his leadership. He’s got to grow into his maturity. You got to give him time. He just needs instruction and practice and time to exercise leadership. Again, God created him to lead. All the stuff of leadership is in the design already.

Question number four: How important are looks in finding a spouse? Or should we look for the ugliest godly person we can find? Maybe that’s the answer. Liking the way another person looks is not an unimportant thing, but trust me, the world, the flesh, and the devil are having a heyday right now putting way too much emphasis on external factors. Things like beauty, body shape, body type, all the rest. God obviously, look around, God makes distinctions among us. He gives us different shapes and sizes and heights and all that stuff. He gives us a variety of external factors that make it interesting and diverse. Hair color, height, skin tone, all the rest. The variety is what glorifies God’s creativity. We love it. We love the variety. It’s how we have unique identifying characteristics that mean no two of us are exactly the same. It’s incredible in God’s creativity, in his design, that none of us are exactly the same.

Think about this with regard to looks. Men, handsome is as handsome does. Patience, kindness, tenderness, gentleness, when the fruits of the Spirit govern your life and define your character, your wife will find you stunningly handsome. Even if you’re not, little secret. Conviction in leadership, knowledge of God’s truth, wisdom in decision making, those things generate the trust that a wife needs to follow in confidence, in feelings of security as she experiences God’s care for her through you. Man, if you excel in the things of the Lord, that wife is going to find you handsome, beautiful, lovely to her.

Women, same thing. Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. Adorn yourselves with dignity, wisdom, diligence in your work and your husband will praise your character to his friends and to strangers; he’ll be spent with your true beauty, I mean, ask any husband and wife and married beyond 20-30 years, 40 years, 50 years. Do we look like we did in our 20s? No, but are we more attractive and appealing to one another after decades of marriage? Absolutely we are. Absolutely, it is such a joy, such a joy to see God shape that. That, that’s why I say, you know, looks and, you know, physical attraction, and all that stuff, that will get you together initially. It’s not unimportant, but man, it very quickly fades in importance. It fades with the outward beauty.

So question number five. How do I fight against worry or anxiety that I won’t find a spouse that I will die lonely? How do I fight against the temptation of thinking something’s wrong with me? Remember, marriage is a gift. It’s a gift which means you don’t take it, earn it, merit it, it’s a gift that you receive from God when he wants to give it to you. Marriage isn’t a status you have a right to expect God to give to you. It’s not a privilege that you demand. So if you’re not married, that’s because God hasn’t chosen to give you that gift at this time anyway. God might have chosen for your life that you never enter into a married state, and if that’s the case he’s given you the gift of being single, 1 Corinthians 7, right? The key is to wait patiently for him. Let him determine it.

Those who are, those who want to rush ahead and refuse to seek counsel, knowing that if they present this person to someone older in their life, that person, they’re, the older person’s going to say, Get away, run from that. And so they say, no, I’m not going to actually get any counsel. I know what I want. I know what I think. And so they rush ahead and they act like Samson who said, “I saw one of the daughters of the Philistines at Timna, now get her for me to be my wife.” Yeah, you can force it. You can be as Samson and force it. But remember Samson lost his hair, lost his eyes. He’s crushed in a big pile of rubble. If that’s how you want to end up, that was a far better fate, wasn’t it than being married to wicked Delilah?

But for the godly who strive for holiness, just remember single person, if God can raise up sons of Abraham from the stones he can certainly bring you a spouse. If you have a desire for marriage, don’t worry, be encouraged by the demographics I cited this morning, seventy five percent of our church members are married, so it’s a high probability God will give you that gift. He may not. And as I said, that’s a gift as well. If you have godly desires for marriage, sustained godly desires for marriage over time, think about Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord, he will give you the desires of your heart.”

God is your God. If your heart is fixed on worshipping and obeying him. If he’s your delight, well then as he is your delight and as his thoughts become your thoughts and his desires become your desires. Well then, guess what, your desires are his and he’s delighted to give them to you. So keep on pursuing him and if you do keep on pursuing him and you are exercising self-control and disciplining yourself for the purpose of godliness and all the rest, you can probably assume. It’s not a, it’s not 100% guarantee, but you can assume God’s put those desires there and you just need to wait and pray.

Get to know, get to know married couples, married couples love to play matchmaker. So get close to some families and say, yeah, I was thinking I might like to get married. Do you know anybody, you know, and let them go to work. If God has not introduced you to that special someone yet. Don’t immediately think, I mean, if there’s ungodliness in your life, yeah, point to ourself, okay. If you’re, if you’re living an ungodly life, don’t fool yourself into thinking, hey, I’m great stuff. But if you’re pursuing godliness in your life and God hasn’t brought that special someone to you. Just know it’s because that cake is still in the oven, it’s not finished yet, okay. God is still working on that person before he brings her or him to you and he, by the way, he is still working on you too. He’s sanctifying both of you to make you fit for one another to bring you together at the proper time. So don’t immediately let your head go to, there’s something wrong with me.

Number, question number 6, and here’s one for the married folks. What can we married folks do to encourage the unmarried folks in our church? I’d say that’s a good question to ask the unmarried folks in our church. So have them over, treat them to a meal or a dessert and have a conversation about it. But I can say this without any fear of contradiction. For many who are unmarried, loneliness is a constant companion. So make sure you practice hospitality with them. Do make sure you invite them over regularly. There may be occasions they don’t accept the invitation here or there, but keep those invitations coming. Just let them know that you know them. You see them, you want their company and you love them. You want, let them know their company is appreciated and enjoyed by you in your home.

Also, let those who are unmarried serve you once in a while. Let them serve you. And you who are unmarried, go ahead and give it a try if you’re a bit intimidated. Go ask someone who’s really good at hospitality, does that well, ask them for advice. Maybe you can. You and a friend can host a couple or a family or even a big family. Believe me, big families seem intimidating to have over to your house, but I’m telling you they are often easier. Because big families, these moms know how to do things quickly, cheaply, fast, easily. They like all things easy. So you’re set up for success and bringing a big family over. They will just love being with you. Alright, so married folks, just befriend them, befriend them, get to know them and get into their lives and let them get into yours and, and see, see where, how God blesses that relationship.

Here’s another question, question number seven. Does growing in contentment mean I no longer care about being married? Like if I’m content does it mean I’m indifferent to marriage. Is that what maturity looks like? I’d say no, not at all. Growing in contentment means that we learned to rejoice with our station in life. The circumstances God has put us in. We give thanks always and for everything in the name of Christ. But there are still desires that we may have, unmet desires, unfulfilled desires that we just leave those in the hands of the Lord. We wait on him.

We wait on him to sustain us through all those unfulfilled desires, and we are going to, we’re committed to waiting as long as he wants us to wait. We wait on his timing. We wait on the way he chooses to fulfill our desires. Here’s how Peter describes that, 1 Peter 5:6 and 7 He says, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that in the proper time he may exalt you.” And then this, “casting all your anxieties on him because he cares for you.” And take that to heart.

If you have unfulfilled desires for marriage and times going by, years are going by, and you say oh no. It’s like that verb in 1 Corinthians 7. The flower of youth is fading for me. My clock is ticking and all that. Don’t worry, let that be a time to just turn your heart to prayer, knowing that he knows you, he cares for you, take all that anxiety and cast it upon him in prayer. He has the power, the omnipotence, the largeness to hold your anxiety for you. Just trust him and if he is not giving you a spouse and it’s not coming, just know that whatever situation he has you in, that’s the best for you right now. That’s the best for you. Trust him in that. Waiting means praying. Waiting means actively waiting, so being obedient to Christ within the waiting. Waiting means cultivating a heart of gratitude, cultivating a life of faithfulness in whatever circumstances God has given you, and then trusting God with the results. Trusting him. Okay?

Final question, question number eight. What should unmarried people do to serve in the church? And especially for the, for the unmarried women. Should unmarried women teach Titus 2 Bible studies training the young women to love their husbands and children? Or, what? Where do we fit in? With questions like this about where to serve and what to do with time and service and resource and all the rest and energy. When in doubt, ask a pastor, ask a deacon, ask an elder, ask a leader of a ministry team in the church.

All of us who are in leadership in some level in this church, we’re like army recruiters. We’re always scanning the church. We’re on the hunt for those who want to volunteer for a ministry in a weak moment, and we’ll take advantage of that weak moment in a heartbeat and put you to work. We are eager to have you serve and we have so many needs. Just because you see things are going swimmingly well and Monika’s doing a great job over there and the children’s wing and all the adult classes seem to be going well. The front lawn looks like it’s been mowed. Don’t think, Oh there’s nothing for me to do.

Men, there is a ton for you to do. We got men here who can put your, your skills, your talents, your strength to work. And women, same thing for you. There is so much to do here and some of you unmarried women who may, may be widowed or something like that, yeah, you may be teaching a Titus 2 class and teaching younger women to love their husbands and love their children and all the rest. So, I’d also like to say try to grow in your skills of service and hospitality. Grow in your skills, sharpen them, strengthen them. Take the initiative as they say, “Find a need meet a need.” Go looking for it. Don’t just wait passively for someone to come to you. But go looking for where you can be involved. If you feel that you have a lack of resources for serving or showing hospitality don’t even let that stop you. Your resources aren’t the issue. You have time and energy to contribute, others can provide the resources, provide the environment for hosting or serving or whatever it is.

So just maybe you’re not the type of person you can say, hey, I’m not the type person that’s comfortable taking initiative. Well then go befriend someone who does have initiative and just tag along. You know, go become their partner or, or their, or their buddy in some kind of a service or ministry. Befriend someone who takes initiative. That person is not going to mind at all. They love bossing everybody around, telling everybody what to do anyway, so you’ll be a good friend of them. Alright?

But get involved. Sharpen your skills, service, hospitality, grow in whatever, however God’s designed you to work within the local church. Go put it to the test. If you don’t know what that is, go do something. If you’re terrible at it, you’ll be told, and maybe that’s not the ministry for you. We’ll just do the, do the redirection, we’ll try this. If you feel like, I hate this, this is terrible, and it’s not bearing any fruit. We’ll redirect you over here. I’m telling you they will find some place for you to serve and to work. You’ve got a gift given to you by Christ for the service of the church.