Marriage and the Unmarried Christian, Part 3 | Marriage and the Unmarried Christian

I want to pick up where we left off in 1 Corinthians 7:36 and we’ll address Paul’s answer to the question that was posed, back in verse 25, by the betrothed man or the engaged man in the Corinthian Church. And after we deal with that point, we’ll broaden out a little bit to address some questions about living the single life in the church. So we started saying that in point number one, all unmarried Christians are indispensable. That’s kind of a tautology. All Christians are indispensable in the plan of God, and in the design of Christ and headship over his church. All Christians are indispensable. So of course, all unmarried Christians are indispensable as well.

Unmarried and married Christians are woven together in the fabric of the local church, and it creates a beautiful tapestry that brings praise and glory to God. That’s his design in the church, so all unmarried Christians are indispensable and then, secondly, our second point, some unmarried Christians are intentional, that is to say, some are intentional in the way that they live the Christian life. They embrace whatever God has given them, and whatever God has withheld from them, either way is a gift from his grace.

Any Christian can live an intentional life no matter what their status, condition, situations circumstance, all that matters ultimately is Christ lived through us. Us living in Christ and Christ living in and through us. That may sound rather pious. All that matters is Christ, but it’s true. And living with a Christward focus and striving for Christ-likeness and conformity to Christ in our lives that does lead to true piety. Remember that the guy from verse 25 still has his hand up. He’s still waiting for an answer to his question, “Should I get married to my fiancé?” We’re kind of in a holding pattern here and I’m awaiting your answer.

Point three, some unmarried Christians are eligible to get married. So those who have never been married but want to be married, they’re eligible to be married. Those who have a biblically sanctioned divorce, that is conducted according to Scripture under the purview of the local church, under the oversight of its leadership, they too can be, in some cases free to be remarried, but I would caution that because there’s just so much to, to unpack in those kind of situation, and then those who are widows who want to marry. They are also free to remarry only in the Lord, but again, Paul says “I advise against it. If you’ve been married before, just trust me, the single life is better from my perspective.”

 So the question then from verse 25, Paul takes that up 1 Corinthians 7:36. “If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed. If his passions are strong and it has to be, let him do as he wishes. Let them marry, it is no sin. But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity, but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.”

Now, that is an answer to address the question of the betrothed. Those who are engaged, having never been married, and in this situation. Again, we need to stress this situation because we need to read this in light of, verse 26, what we called, the present distress. A grain shortage in Corinth resulting in unrest and rioting, uprisings. It was a dangerous, very uncertain time in the city and its surroundings.

So the question is what do we do with our betrothal, what do we do with our engagement in uncertain times? Do we go forward and consummate the marriage, or do we wait until social unrest dies down? When you understand the background, you understand the intent of the question, it kind of makes good sense, doesn’t it? While this might be the wise plan to extend the betrothal period and to postpone finalizing and consummating the marriage. Keep in mind that during a betrothal period, 1st century and even going back centuries before that, the betrothal period was a very significant, it’s not like our engagement, which is kind of looser.

Betrothal, was a strengthened form of our engagement. It really was tantamount to marriage. Legally, there was a contract involved with the family, and if a man broke that contract, man, he could be in for it legally. So Very serious time. A betrothed couple was treated like a married couple even though they weren’t living together. The woman was still living in her father’s house and the man was, oftentimes, if he’s a younger man especially, living in his father’s house. He’s preparing a place in his father’s house and with his father’s business and means to try to provide for this young wife, he’s about to bring in, that betrothal period could last us, up to a year, sometimes longer, depending on the circumstances.

And at the end of that betrothal period, that’s when the father sent his son to go get his bride, bring her back, and they were going to have a week long wedding. So it was a wedding festival and all the rest. And then that’s when they started living together as husband and wife and they were their own one flesh unit. So this woman here in this situation she’s still living in her parent’s home. That means she’s provided for, she’s protected, she’s safe and secure. So this is a loving, considerate, wise, a question that this husband to be is asking of Paul. He’s trying to consider the provision and safety of his fiancé, his future wife. So if he can wait, better to wait, better to postpone removing her from that provision, protection, safety and comfort of her father’s home in this situation.

Under these conditions in this situation, what is the determinative factor for Paul and his counsel? What’s the determinative factor between verse 36 and verse 37? Because there’s two different recommendations there. What determines whether they postpone the wedding, which is the second situation, or go ahead with it right away, which is the first situation? Should they go ahead with it like he says in verse 36? Or should they postpone it, verse 37. Paul says there’s one factor, and it’s a factor of self-control, that is the determinative factor between the different council in verse 36 and verse 37.

That’s the contrast. It’s between those who lack self-control in verse 36 and then if he is able to exercise self-control, verse 37. So “If anyone thinks he’s not behaving properly, that word can mean if he thinks that he is acting unbecomingly and it’s, it’s obviously in this context where it’s in a sexual sense. So if anyone thinks he’s not behaving well toward his betrothed, and if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes, let them marry, it is no sin.”

So to not behave properly, to act unbecomingly, to act in some sexually inappropriate way, Paul is putting this onto the man’s conscience and saying, you tell me. You tell me what’s going on in your conscience before the Lord. If your conscience is bothering you, you need to take note of that.” But the second part of the verse, if his passions are strong, that translation, the NIV actually has a very clear translation of this verse, here’s what it says. “If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He’s not sinning. They should get married.” I think that is a very accurate and plain translation.

Paul, even though he acknowledges that, verse 36, the best plan, he says, what he’s saying to this man. I think the best plan is for you to wait until the social unrest dies down. Until life returns to normal, that will require of you a bit of self-control, that will require the godly discipline of waiting, verse 37, “The man who is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity, but having his desire under control and has determined this in his heart to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well.”

Building a marriage is hard, but it’s even harder in times of severe distress and trouble. So Paul is saying, wait, let the trouble pass over. That’s the best route that’s going to set you up for the best success of building a life together. But if you lack self-control, back to verse 36 and what I said there, go ahead and get married. You’re not sinning, even if that’s not the best.

Self-control is a huge theme in this chapter. It’s obviously a huge theme throughout Paul’s teaching all through the New Testament, but in this chapter, look back at verse 5, Husbands and wives should not deprive one another of conjugal rights, why? Verse 5, so that Satan may not tempt you. Because, why, of your lack of self-control. Your self-control issues don’t end with marriage.

Okay, single people. Once you get married you still have different areas of self-control. We all need to fight for self-control, self-discipline. And then verse 5, self-control in the marriage relationship. Verse 9 to the married, unmarried and the widows. Those who’ve been married before. Paul says, “If they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it’s better to marry than to burn with passion.”

So for those who’ve been married before. Those who may be divorced, maybe those who are widowed. If they are legitimately able biblically able to get married, they’re allowed to get remarried. Well, Paul says I think it’s better that they stay unmarried, but “If they can’t exercise self-control they should marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with passion.” And by the way, also better than to sin. That’s the issue in self-control. That’s the issue and all this council is, he says, I don’t want you to sin. I don’t want you to commit sin.

Interesting that phrase or that sentence there. “It’s better to marry than to burn with passion.” You often hear, don’t you. Those who’ve never been married to anyone before? They quote that last sentence as if it applies to themselves as if it justifies their demands, I need a wife right now, and they point to that verse. Paul’s not addressing those who haven’t been married before. He’s addressing those who have been married before. This is for the unmarried, the, maybe those who were divorced. This is for the widows. It’s not for those who’ve never been married before.

The struggle for sexual purity and self-control in sexual issues can be difficult, certainly difficult in Corinth. The place was immersed in pornography, all the things you might think of. Immersed in sexual immorality, they had a temple where there were temple prostitutes, cult prostitutes, male and female, that people visited and frequented. You can even see it show up in 1 Corinthians chapter 6 and 1 Corinthians Chapter 5. There’s sexual immorality going on in the church it’s a vile place, Corinth. Greco-Roman world was filled with sexual immorality. This is very, very much like our culture now.

So struggle for sexual purity in, in a culture saturated with sexual immorality, can be a difficult, difficult thing, but Paul is acknowledging that there’s even a greater difficulty for those who’ve already experienced sexual intimacy. Like those who are the, what he calls the unmarried and the widows. He acknowledges it’s more difficult for them because they’ve experienced it, so for them the battle to practice self-control can be more intense.

Which is why it is exceedingly foolish, not to mention sinful, to flirt with sexual temptation. If you’re unmarried, however, were married, but if you’re especially if you’re unmarried, you don’t have to be married these days to experience sexual intimacy. People commit fornication all the time. People could look at pornography all the time. So it, it is foolish and sinful to flirt with temptation. It’s like a child playing with fire. It’s like a child sticking a fork into an electric socket. It is going to, it is going to do you great, great harm. So foolish to give in to sexual temptation. To engage in any kind of sexual sin in any form, whether virtual or actual, whether on a screen or in person. It doesn’t matter. It is absolutely foolish. You will regret that for the rest of your life.

The world tells those who’ve never been married, go get sexual experience before, before you marry. Go get sexual experience so that you’ll be practiced up when you get married. That’s the idea. It’s so stupid, so stupid to excite the sexual desires to provoke the passions that God intends for one man to have for one woman. Intends for one woman to have for one man. To play around with that before you’re married and in that covenant is like lighting a match to the hormonal fuel of the body and setting the whole thing on fire.

And when that fire burns it burns images and sensations into the memory. Takes a long, long time to uproot those and erase those, but by God’s grace it does happen with sanctification. But still, don’t put it there. You have a choice to make. God’s counsel, contrary to the world, obviously, but God’s counsel to everyone, especially those who are not married, sound counsel for everybody who’s trying to prepare get themselves prepared and ready for marriage. Practice self-control. Practice self-control.

Listen to this from, you can write this down, 1 Thessalonians 4:4-7, “Let each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the gentiles who do not know God. Let no one transgress, and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things. As we told you beforehand, and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us to impurity, but in holiness.”

Holiness, self-discipline, self-control, these are the building blocks to setting a foundation, a good foundation for your married life and for the entirety of the Christian life as well. Learning to practice self-control, learning to say no to your impulses. All your desires, longings, to put them in check just to deny yourself of something you’re allowed to have anyway. Walk by that donut in the office. Just say no. Just say no, just walk right by it. You see that pastry, ladies, just, just walk right by. Say, I’ve, I’m going to have control over my own body and I’m going to tell my sense, my desires, no. I’m in charge, not you. That’s how it goes.

Even those things that are legitimate God given desires. Legitimate God given desires. If you are willing to sin to get them, or you will sin if you don’t get them, well that’s when legitimate God given desires can turn into sin. So put guardrails around legitimate God given desires, especially in the realm of sexual propriety. The practice of godly discipline and self-control, it lays a foundation not just for sexual purity, but for the entire Christian life, and it prepares us to enjoy God’s very best, God’s very best.

According to verse 38, in view of the social unrest and danger, “the one who marries his betrothed does well, but the one who refrains from marriage, he’ll do even better.” So the difference is between one who does well, and then one who does even better. So much of the Christian life is not about the choice between right and wrong, good and evil, bad and good, righteous, unrighteous. Those are simple binary matters that our bibles, aided by our, the law of God in our hearts, and informed by all nature, supported by our consciences, making those kinds of choices between the black and white issues are so, so easy.

But what the betrothed Christian, the betrothed Corinthian is asking about, and what so much of decision making in the Christian life is really about, it’s about the choices between good, better, and best. It’s why settle for the good? Why settle even for the better, when God’s very best is available to you? Those who practice self-control, especially in the realm of permissible things like this, whether to marry now or wait till later, this is to train your heart for future discernment. It’s to make a distinction between the good, better, and the best. That is, that is the stuff of wisdom there.

Here’s what the, you may have, be familiar with this text in Hebrews, but Hebrews chapter 5, verse 11, there are certain sections of Hebrews where there’s some rebukes to the Hebrew Christians, the Hebrew congregation. And the writer says this about this, “We have much to say, and it’s hard to explain since you become dull of hearing. Although by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food. For everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment, trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil. Therefore, let us leave the elementary doctrines of Christ and go on to maturity.” I’ll stop there. That’s what we’re to be doing. We’re to be practicing discipline, self-control so that we can discern good from evil, and then also discern good, better, and best and make wise decisions. Now that’s the betrothed.

 Let me come back to first Corinthians 7 and just finish up the chapter since we’re at it and talk about the widows and then we’ll come back to draw out some implications in the final verses of the chapter, verses 39 to 40, Paul returns to address the widows. Same principles are in play here. It says, “A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she’s free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. Yet in my judgment, she is happier if she remains as she is.” Again, Paul had experienced both conditions. The life of a married man and of an unmarried single man, and he acknowledges their freedom to remarry.

Death breaks the bond of marriage, which means there is a freedom to remarry, but he nevertheless encourages the unmarried and the widow to just stay as they are. Stay single, she’s happier if she remains as she is and she doesn’t get married. So The only exception, go back to verse 9, of 1 Corinthians 7, is if a widow is unable to exercise self-control, so he said in verse 8, “It’s good for the unmarried and the widows to remain single as I am. But if they can’t exercise self-control, they should remarry. It’s better to marry than to burn with passion.”

This is consistent also with Paul’s instructions to Timothy about ministering to widows, 1 Timothy 5:11. He says to Timothy, “Refuse to enroll younger widows,” he means enroll them on the support list of the church. So, “refuse to enroll them for when their passions draw them away from Christ, they desire to marry, and so incur condemnation for having abandoned their former faith,” that is their former commitment. Besides that, “they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers but also gossips and busy bodies saying what they should not. So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households and give the adversary no occasion for slander.” Again pointing them back to the institution of marriage, for that shaping, constraining, using all their energy for, instead of evil, but for good now and in raising, managing households, bearing children, raising children. and all the rest.

Paul would rather have unmarried and widows remain unmarried, but he, he’s a pastor. He sees, he sees the difficulty in some people in their maturity level in Christ and sees there are differences in people’s ability to exercise self-control. So he makes provision for the strength of that marriage impulse which goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. Remember compelled by desire to marry a wife, “a man shall leave his father and mother hold fast to his wife. They should become one flesh.” He’s going to be driven to marriage. Also, the woman even after the fall, her desire shall be for her husband, so they’re still compelled to come together, and yet, verse 40, “in my judgment, she’s happier if she remains as she is. And I, too, I think that I too have the Spirit of God.” In other words, Paul’s saying, I’m not just throwing my opinion around here for you to take or leave it. What I’m saying comes by way of divine revelation. So pay heed, pay heed.

So let me wrap this up. All unmarried Christians are indispensable. There’s no first tier, second tier, third tier Christian, whether married or unmarried, all are vital members of the body of Christ. Some unmarried Christians are intentional. They make the most of whatever situation God has given them. They see it as a gift. And then some unmarried Christians are eligible for marriage but Paul doesn’t advise marriage for all who are eligible, for the unmarried, the widows, he’s decidedly in favor of them staying single, abstaining from marriage. Still, he’d prefer they give up what he thinks would benefit them most so they can avoid sinning because of a lack of self-control. So staying away from sin that is the most essential concern on his mind.

For those who’ve never been married, Paul doesn’t discourage them from marriage, but all would do well to consider verse 35 carefully. “I say this for your own benefit not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.” Again, what Jesus said to his disciples, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given.” So both marriage and singleness, both are good gifts from a good and wise God, okay?